Managing my mental health during stay-at-home orders

May 13, 2020

From the beginning of March, my mindset about a world with COVID-19 was to take it a day at a time, since nobody had a clue what was happening or when. (Note: at week 9, I still feel the same.) One friend was self-isolating immediately and stockpiled supplies as if it was the apocalypse. A few days into her doing this, I began to get nervous about her mental health. Can she sustain this for weeks? Could I take on her panic without impacting my own mental health?

Before NY State implemented stay-at-home orders in mid-March, I gave in to stocking up on supplies. I spent TWO hours waiting in line to check out at the grocery store. While in line, I texted my therapist asking for a phone appointment because I wasn’t going to make it to midtown in time. After seeing all those people and spending two hours in line, my anxiety crept in. Was I being too nonchalant about all this? Should I be more worried? I didn’t know how to think or feel. The anxiety came in waves and my feelings would flip flop. I wasn’t scared of getting COVID-19: yes, it would suck, but I would get through it. I was scared about how society would react and would that be the triggering for me.

The first two weeks were the toughest. My new routine (or lack thereof) was settling in. Earlier this year, I had worked remote for several days and it was awful. I had anxiety every day for those few days and nothing worked to subside it, so I had to sit with the feelings— no easy task. Would this time working from home for an extended period be the same—and without the gym? When would I see my best friends again? Would I be able to do any of my summer travels? One night I cried because I just wanted a hug. A basic human need that wasn’t possible. I was lonely and scared I may feel this way for weeks on end.

Then, my laundromat suddenly closed. Oh my gosh – how was I going to do laundry?! It’s supposed to be an essential business; how can they just close? I joked about washing clothes in my tub; I really didn’t think that would be reality. That night, I also received an email from my gym that 11 days prior a gentleman who had swam in the pool had tested positive. F*&@! I swam in the same pool a couple hours after him—and chose swimming because there’s no equipment to touch and you aren’t in close contact with others. I thought I had picked the “right” thing to do. COVID-19 2 – Sarah 0. I wondered, how can I do this through April? Or even through May? Even if I wanted to leave, I would have to quarantine for 14 days again, so what’s the point? I felt defeated that day. It was real. This was life now.

After the first two weeks of feeling the feels and adjusting, I chose to release control because NOBODY has any clue or control right now. I chose to focus on taking care of my basic needs and listen to my mind and body. I ask myself—do I want to go for a run today? If my mind and body say no, I don’t. AND THAT IS OK! Just sitting on my couch and listening to the birds is ok (something I can do now since there aren’t honking cars all the time). Buying my guilty pleasure foods that are comforting is ok.

Overall, I feel great! I am calm, I have space to be there for friends who are struggling, and I don’t get upset if all the rings of my Apple Watch aren’t closed. I’m doing my best, and that’s all that really matters right now. The two best pieces of advice I’ve seen so far:
1. Katie Horwitch refers to this as our “for now” normal and I love this concept. She’s right – it’s just for the time being. Things will go to a new normal afterwards. We will get through this.
2. “This is a pandemic, NOT a productivity contest.” Yes, I wrote a list of things I want to do during this time to keep my mind busy. Yes, the Virgo in me wants to check them off. If I don’t, THAT’S OK!!! I’m alive.

I’ve found that grocery shopping is my biggest trigger. From the day before until the time it’s over, I’m anxious. I never know how long it will take—I have yet to see a grocery store without a line in front for weeks now. I’ve debated with myself on going to the store versus ordering delivery— and I’m so torn. In Manhattan, it’s near impossible to get any delivery slots for weeks. I’m healthy and can physically go to the store while taking all mandated precautions. Why should I put more pressure on the people delivering my food? I want them to use their time to deliver to people that really need it. My feelings are similar when it comes to cooking versus take out and supporting local businesses. AHH! Also, does anyone else feel like they’re running their dishwasher at least twice a day?! Holy. Moly.

For those that feel alone and struggling, whether you’re solo or hunkered down with a partner, hang in there. Reach out to friends, family, co-workers—even me! I’m happy to lend an ear. Be honest with them that you’re feeling lonely: you’ll be surprised how many people will be there for you.

For those with children, you’re heroes. I can’t even imagine what that’s like. I’ll quote Glennon Doyle, “you’re doing the impossible.” Major kudos to you. You’re doing the best you can in a completely uncharted territory. There are no books, articles, or Instagram posts to tell you how to do this.

Be safe. Be well. Hang in there.

About the Author:

Sarah Polli lives in NYC, escaping the city whenever possible to enjoy the outdoors and travel the world. After moving to NYC, she had an unexpected breakdown that led to a diagnosis of anxiety. As a strong, independent, successful woman, this came as a surprise. Sarah finds her anxiety appears on the inside even if she looks put together on the outside. Through therapy and self-exploration, Sarah leverages her anxiety to live as authentically as possible. She openly shares about her anxiety to inspire others that may be battling silently inside. Everyone struggles with things throughout life; we shouldn’t have to do it alone.