Recovery from Self Harm by TIMB Alum, Rebekah Bagley
Content Warning- Self Harm
If you or someone you know needs help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, text Brave to 741-741 or call 911.
As someone who is diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and OCD, intrusive thoughts are a big part of my life, especially before I was on the right medication. Sometimes, the thoughts in my head get so loud, I feel as if I can’t breathe. In 2015, trying to cope with these loud thoughts became difficult, and I knew no other way to distract myself, other than to self-harm. Self-harm was my biggest way to distract myself from the war inside my head. The latter half of 2015, I was prescribed a medication that helped ease these thoughts and I was stable, for a while.
Then in 2017, the antidepressant I had been on stopped working. Not only did the thoughts come back louder than ever, but I started hearing a roaring loud static noise, another part of my depression the doctor told me. This noise made me feel insane. The only relief was physical stimuli. The only stimuli I could think of at the time–through my mental illness goggles–was pain. But this was not the end for me.
At the time, even though I used self-harm as a way to cope with the demons in my head, I always felt worse afterward. It was like trying to put out my fire with gasoline. I self-harmed to eased the pain, but I only caused more. I caused more pain for myself and those close to me who found out about it.
I was hospitalized, did therapy, and was put on the right medication. After these, I was loaded with an arsenal of coping mechanisms. If the sound came back, I knew I could use distracting techniques such as taking a shower, walking outside, listening to music, drawing (my favorite hobby), or going on a drive. All these things were very helpful; the biggest help, however, was meditation.
When my therapist first brought up meditation and the concept of “grounding” myself, I was like “what?” Isn’t that some hippie junk? But she told me to download this free app called “stop, breath, think”, and I immediately fell in love. Just by becoming aware of my surroundings and learning to control my breathing, in a time of great anxiety and suicidal ideation, the act of grounding myself gave me immediate relief. Just try it for yourself! I’m sure you’ll be skeptical of the idea, at first. I even thought “How could breathing a certain way and listening to someone speak give me comfort?” Initially, I thought of it as a placebo for those who don’t have serious mental illness, but now I’m a complete believer. I went from someone who had a couple panic attacks a day and self-harmed every night, to a genuinely happy person who has around one panic attack each month and hasn’t self-harmed in over a year.
If you are looking to try out meditation for yourself, I would recommend looking at free guided meditations online. YouTube has endless options, but I think apps like “stop, breath, think”, and “calm” have the best short guided meditations for beginners. It may not work for you, but I know for myself that it was very much worth the try, and now I am very thankful for my therapist’s suggestion.
Even if meditation is not for you, spend the time and effort finding what will help you get past your self-harming thoughts. There’s no shame in therapy, no shame in taking prescribed medication, and no shame in healthy coping mechanisms. One person’s perfect way to cope may not be yours, and that’s okay. Just don’t give up; fight the demons in your head.
I know that recovery is not linear, and while I may be doing really well now, I might have to go through another medication change, or something else may happen. But with all my distraction tools and coping mechanisms that I now keep in my pocket, I know that I can overcome it. I know that I wouldn’t go back to self-harming. The act of self-harming is the antichrist who promises you salvation from your demons but harms you instead.
My name is Rebekah Bagley, I have struggled with OCD, anxiety, depression, and self-harm since the age of 15. I have been hospitalized twice and I’m now In the journey of recovery, learning and evolving every step of the way.
