My Psychosis Song – a poem
Psychosis seized my mind, grabbed my very soul, shook my
very essence and violently took hold.
Overcome with thoughts that twisted in my head,
left me torn apart, and wishing I were dead.
Searching for the answers while my thinking was deranged,
left us all with scars and everlasting change.
Thrust into a place where everything surreal. I was completely
turned around, yet it all seemed so-oh real.
Pregnant now I wasn’t, but the joy just wasn’t there;
replaced by emptiness and permanent despair.
Akin to automation, every, single, day. You lose touch
with your sanity, you slowly slip away.
Reality is yours, it’s right in front of you. What’s black
is black to you, there is nothing they can do.
Truth is how you see it, through your own distorted eyes;
you know the only way, is to finally say goodbye.
Urgency abounds, now that the answers clear, love still
fills your heart, there is nothing left to fear.
Motherhood is sacred, it’s only you that understands. The rest
can go to hell, the rest can all be damned.
Psychosis seized my mind, grabbed my very soul, shook my
very essence and violently took hold.
Still I thought I knew, what black was really black. Slowly
began the process, of finding my way back.
Yearning for the void, to be filled within my soul. Yet knowing
that I’d live and never ‘gain be whole.
Crying every night, for years and years on end, asking for
forgiveness, just looking for a friend.
Harshest on yourself, yet there’s always some close by, to judge
you for your shame, while you close your eyes and cry.
Overcome with thoughts, that had twisted in my head. Had
left me torn apart and wishing I were dead.
Slowly opened eyes again as everything got lighter. The thoughts
were all less foggy, the colors all were brighter.
I started seeing things, the way I used to see. What once looked
like the color black, was now bright white to me.
Searching for the answers, while my thinking was deranged,
left us all with scars and everlasting change.
– Natachia Barlow Ramsey
In 1999, Natachia Barlow Ramsey went undiagnosed with Postpartum Depression with Psychotic Features (Postpartum Psychosis). She lost her son. Natachia is the first woman to speak publicly about losing a child to a Postpartum Mood Disorder (Postpartum Psychosis). Natachia was tried for his death, was found Not Criminally Responsible and was remanded to the Commissioner of DHHS for years. She finally gained complete freedom in 2008 and in 2012 found her voice to start speaking about what happened. For herself and other women with similar stories. Natachia blogs at www.SurvivingPpp.com.
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