“Fellas, We Need to Talk…” By Nick Matiash
We love statistics. Whether it be at the barber shop or the bar, men love sitting in groups and talking about how many points per game Steph Curry is averaging in the playoffs or how much money per share Apple’s stock has risen to. We use numbers to honor the greatness of superior athletes, keep tabs on our financial goals, or to find the best bargains on the housing market. The logistical nature of these number games bond you and I. With that said, let me drop some pretty incredible statistics on you to get things rolling here:
79%.
Four times more.
Once every 20 minutes.
More than 6 million.
If you sensed that these numbers aren’t exactly about baseball or the stock market, you’d be right. These numbers carry a lot more weight than the ones that men like you and I usually throw around. In fact, the surface level statistics that tend to be the main content of our conversations may be the exact reason that the numbers listed above continue to rise. More on that later, though. Before we dig into what causes stats like these, I have to shed some light on what they’re all about.
79%
In the United States, men make up 79% of the population that die by suicide. In 2017, the CDC reported that there were roughly 47,000 people who took their own life. When you apply the percentage above to that population, that makes for approximately 37,000 men who succumbed to suicide.
Four Times More
When comparing suicide statistics between men and women, men are four times as likely to take their own life. Read that sentence again and let that sink in. That means for every five women who die by suicide, there are twenty men set to meet the same fate.
Once Every 20 Minutes
Imagine that as you began to read this article, a man died by suicide. The mere thought of something like that likely made your stomach drop. But you know what’s even more tragic? That if it took you 20 minutes to reach the conclusion of the article, another man would’ve taken his life by that time. In the United States, a man dies by suicide every 20 minutes.
More Than 6 Million
There are 6 million men in America battling depression as you read these words. Fathers, husbands, brothers, teenagers, granddads and dog dads alike are struggling in this moment. What’s worse is that the actual number of men experiencing depression is likely much higher. Talking through heavy things like divorce, lay offs, and grief isn’t exactly something guys do well. We would much rather keep it light, poke fun at each other, and avoid any kind of emotional roller coaster of communication. And it just makes it that much easier to swallow our feelings and experience the dark corners of our life alone.
Not exactly the usual crop of statistics that we swap over a beer or two, but I needed you to see them so I could get to my real point here:
Men, we need to speak up. We need to be able to talk about our lives in a real way. I don’t care if you have a heart to heart with your buddies or a therapist that you trust; just open up already.
I know, I know. You were taught (directly or otherwise) that men aren’t supposed to share what’s inside of them. The men that you look up to live their lives with a strong and stoic persona, only breaking down when it becomes “appropriate” to do so. If they weren’t witnessing the birth of their child, the marriage of those kids when they grew up, or the death of someone close to them, they never shed a tear. It was off limits. It wasn’t in their script of masculinity.
And naturally, you followed suit.
But that unconscious acceptance of the armor that your father, uncle, or little league coach wore is doing you and your male peers a disservice. It may seem like it’s shielding you from the harsh world around you. But in reality, it’s trapping the emotions that are meant to be expressed inside of you. That grief needs to be worked through. That sadness needs to be shared. That frustration needs to be wrestled with. But with all of that armor, none of it has anywhere to go.
I coach and guide men every week in all facets of life. Everything from life to love to business is fair game when I spend time with my clients. The more I sit with these men, the more I understand why the statistics we’re discussing here are on the rise. Men—myself included—have a really hard time working through and understanding their emotional world. We have been trained to cut that valve of our hearts and minds off in favor of the sturdiness and strength of a man who can’t be moved by tragedy and trauma. We’ve spent so much time building up our own set of armor that most of us haven’t realized that the best thing we can do is put our shields down and lead with vulnerability.
The statistics above are merely the effects of generations of “never let them see you cry” masculinity. These effects will only change when we shift the cause. That cause is ours to own. We must talk to our friends and brothers when we have something on our minds. We have to sidestep our fear of judgment in favor of our hope that these conversations will help men like us heal.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. If we keep conversing on the surface and chatting about the NBA or NHL finals, the numbers I’ve mentioned won’t shift in the opposite direction. If, however, we choose to ask the hard questions like, “How’s the divorce going? I know that must be hard for you…” or say what’s difficult to say like, “I know it’s been a year since your dad passed, but I just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing…” these numbers will slowly but surely subside.
Our conversations matter, fellas. Let’s speak more about what’s important and less about what’s insignificant. I know we love our statistics, but let’s do our part in ensuring that none of us have to become one.
Disclaimer: Nick is not a licensed therapist or psychologist.
About the Author: Nick Matiash is a husband, father, men’s life coach and published author of the book, Moving Past Mediocre: Unlocking Your Mind to Create the Life You’ve Always Imagined. His mission in life is to support men in creating a life that they deeply love and are excited to wake up to.
