It’s Okay. 5 Lessons from a Survivor of Suicide Loss
It’s okay to miss your loved one, no matter how long it’s been.
My dad died by suicide when I was 9 years old; I am now 32. For years, I thought that my Dad had been gone so long that I wasn’t allowed to be sad anymore. I thought that eventually, I would be over this loss. I was waiting for that one day, I would wake up, move on and my heart wouldn’t hurt anymore. But the truth is, I will always have times when I am sad and when I miss my dad so much, I can feel my heart hurt. 22 years later, my grief looks different than it did when my dad first died and that’s okay. It will always be okay to miss your loved one whether they died last week or 30 years ago. When you do feel that sadness, know that it’s okay and completely normal. You are not alone.
It’s okay to be angry
I never wanted to be angry with my Dad. I felt guilty because he wasn’t here any more and I knew that he was sick and this wasn’t his fault. I wanted to spend my time remembering everything that was good about my dad. After many years in therapy, I learned that I was actually really angry with my dad, and not only that, but it was okay. I could be angry for so many reasons but also still love my dad and hold our memories close to my heart. Feeling my anger and working through it with my therapist allowed me to continue to grieve and heal. If you are feeling angry at your loved one, know that it is okay and completely normal. You are not alone.
It’s okay to smile
Specifically on important anniversaries like my dad’s birthday, father’s day or the anniversary of when he died, I prepare myself to feel sad on those days. I feel guilty for laughing or smiling because I have always felt like I was supposed to be sad. But now I know that laughing and smiling is what gets me through those days. Remembering my Dad and the memories I do have might bring some tears but it also brings lots of smiles. My Dad would want me to smile, laugh and have joy. So while it is always okay to cry and be sad, we want to see your beautiful smile and hear your contagious laugh. If you are laughing and smiling, know that it is okay and completely normal. You are not alone.
It’s okay to advocate
It took me years to want to be involved in mental health advocacy. In 2016, I joined the board of my local chapter of The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and was an important part of bringing awareness about mental health and suicide prevention to my community. I also shared my Dad’s story with others. I started volunteering with This Is My Brave and eventually became a full time employee with them. I spent all of my days advocating and doing everything I could to make sure people knew they were not alone. I worked tirelessly to keep my Dad’s memory alive and help speak for all those that couldn’t. I desperately wanted to be part of the change and do good. If this is the path you choose, I support you. I am with you and I thank you. If you are out there fighting and advocating today, you are certainly not alone. Keep going.
It’s okay if you don’t advocate
The most important thing I have learned is that it is okay to just be alone with my feelings, emotions, grief and keep my Dad close to my own heart. You don’t have to be a hero. You don’t have to share your story or your loved one’s. You don’t have to change the world. It is okay and normal to just be; to sit with your memories and grief and keep it just for you. If this is the path for you, I support you and I am with you. If you didn’t advocate today, its okay and completely normal. You are not alone.
If you are a survivor of suicide loss, I hope you know how strong and brave you are. Every day you carry your loved one with you and you press on. You find the strength and courage to keep moving forward and I applaud you. Being a survivor of suicide loss is not easy but we can do hard things. Whatever you are feeling, doing or not doing today or any other day, it’s okay and you are not alone.
About the Author: Lauren Kenney is a MSW student at The Ohio State University and will graduate in May of 2022. She lives with her beloved dog, Sweet Caroline in Raleigh, NC.
